While he refused to call his wife his cousin — and would only refer to her as his “uncle’s daughter” — he allegedly was shaming a coworker for not having a “healthy baby” and happy marriage like himself.
A frustrated office worker has taken to the internet for advice after being shutdown by their company’s HR department.
The story, shared to an anonymous forum on Reddit, sparked conversations about what constitutes incest — and how various cultures define family relationships differently.
Overall, the response to OP’s post (a.k.a. the “original poster”) was well-balanced, with more than one commenter offering advice for how to navigate the issue going forward in their office.
Read on to see how the whole thing played out in the AITA (Am I The A–hole) forum.
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The Original Post on the AITA Forum on Reddit
“I have a coworker who was giving me grief earlier in the week for being single, over and over, bragging that he was married and had a healthy baby, and I reached breaking point,” OP began. “I asked him about his ‘arranged marriage’ and he seemed to get defensive. He said it wasn’t arranged like that and that he married his uncle’s daughter.”
“I informed him that his uncle’s daughter is his own cousin, that he was related to his wife before they got married,” they continued. “I also asked why he doesn’t just call his wife his cousin, why it has to be his ‘uncle’s daughter,’ like a female can’t exist without first and foremost belonging to a man.”
I told him at least I wasn’t in the habit of f–king my own family members and treating women like other men’s objects.
But, of course, this was not taken well.
“He really didn’t like any of this. He went into a rage and said no wonder I’m single,” OP recounted. “I told him at least I wasn’t in the habit of f–king my own family members and treating women like other men’s objects. He ended up threatening to go to HR so I shortcut him and went there before him to tell my side of the story.”
However, OP did not get the response from human resources they had expected.
“I was basically told to cool it with him and not to bring up cultural differences which may offend. I never brought up anything cultural with him, merely pointed out the facts. Am I the a–hole here?”
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“If You Stop Now You’re Not The A–hole” & Other Reddit Observations
While very few people called OP an a–hole, they still told them to “cool it” as cultural practices are protected by most companies.
One person said ESH (everyone sucks here) “for harping on each other’s social situations. He’s being a jerk by making fun of you for being single, but you are going to land yourself in trouble here if you respond this way.”
“Whether you mean to or not, you ARE harping on cultural differences here that could be seen as discriminatory in the workplace,” the commenter continued. “The idea of a ‘cousin’ who is universally the son/daughter of your mom/dad’s brother/sister is a Western one.. there’s a lot of words for cousin depending on whose child this is in some languages and they are perceived differently as far as arranging a marriage is concerned, so while what you’re saying here is objectively true to you, there’s a cultural/linguistic nuance here that is getting missed, and this is exactly the kind of thing that HR can jump on.”
The idea of a ‘cousin’ who is universally the son/daughter of your mom/dad’s brother/sister is a Western one.. there’s a lot of words for cousin depending on whose child this is in some languages and they are perceived differently as far as arranging a marriage is concerned, so while what you’re saying here is objectively true to you, there’s a cultural/linguistic nuance here that is getting missed.
“Can’t you just keep this professional with the guy and tell him to go do his work and let you do yours if he starts up on things that aren’t work-related?” the Redditor asked. “You don’t have to be friends, just avoid each other as much as possible and keep it on a professional level while you can’t.”
“That said, work is right you have to drop it. The marriage set up is cultural and as much as he’s being a d–k to you, you cannot in the workplace use someone’s cultural practices like that, or in a way that may cause offense to anyone who over hears you. Not just the co-worker in question. For example if someone else heard, took offense on behalf of your co-worker and complained, you would be having a very different conversation with HR. Regardless of the why it was said.”
“He’s an a–hole. Completely,” they concluded. “Shut down any talk about your personal life/relationships as soon as they come up from now on: I do not talk about my personal relationships at work thanks.”
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Another commenter chimed in, reiterating the advice: “Read this again and again. Generally, your employer has the right to control the conversation in the workplace whether you agree with their decision or not.”
Meanwhile, someone else highlighted a cultural and linguistic nuance.
“QUESTION: Is your coworker from India? If so, ‘Uncle’ is a term used as a general honorific as opposed to a word that only denotes your parent’s brother or BIL. That would also explain his use of ‘uncle’s daughter’ as opposed to ‘cousin.’ If you missed this, you did miss cultural differences. Either way, though, of course Y T A [you’re the a–hole] for mocking someone else’s marriage, even if they’re bugging you. He’s also an a– for shaming your singlehood.”
Yet another defended OP: “You wouldn’t have said anything if he hadn’t insulted you. He shouldn’t have even brought up his marriage to compare to your situation. That was weird, firstly. Secondly, he was asking for it by bringing it up. [What the hell] lol. Then he goes to HR after harassing you? Everything by him was unwarranted. Have people forgotten the golden rule, or what?”
What do you think?
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