Anchor pens new script
Jesse Watters. Born Philly. Quaker school. History major. Next a busboy, fired as a bellhop, worked in Fox’s basement 2 p.m. to midnight where “I just labeled sharpies,” then apprenticed to Bill O’Reilly — and now a Fox TV hotshot.
“We’ve all had ambushes. Once O’Reilly sent heat-seeking missile me to Alabama — and I said: ‘Where’s Alabama?’ There I asked its judge about the sentenced sex offender. He said, ‘I’m not the judge. I’m a state trooper.’ O’Reilly’s only comment afterward? ‘Your voice is too highpitched for TV.’
“Another time a viewer reported: ‘Your producer’s great. Give her a raise.’ I was the first Fox TV host ever misgendered.”
About today’s university tumults: “They just want to rage against the machine. Protest movements rarely side with terrorists. Now suddenly Democrats are siding with terrorist organization Hamas. It’s enough for the FBI to get involved.
“Iran’s offering scholarships but no single student’s taken the mullahs up on it. Live there? No! They want to rage but live comfortably. Cops roughing them up makes them feel alive for once — but Gaza? They won’t last long.
“And our president? Out to lunch, runs from problems, hires people who stare at their phones all day and destroy their brains, helps companies that prey on the population, opens the border, is into two proxy wars, spends trillions of dollars, feels insecure, under him food’s poisoned with chemicals, just sells us drugs so we’re stupid, takes advantage of us and hides from the press.”
Jesse’s new book “Get It Together” is about wild people pouring out emotions, wanting empty prisons, open borders, emotional support, drag queens, druggies, sexual abusers, chaotic lives, barstool fathers, deep dark secrets, mommy/daddy issues, revenge for their trauma, making society accommodate their problems.
Why this kind of book? Who knows. Iran’s probably offered them all scholarships. This author also plays checkers. Why? Who knows.
Difficult keeping up with wild Jesse Watters. Trouble is he’s so effing boring.
Corner of Graft & Bribery
B&B Rare Books now offers 1858’s lithograph from the book “Manual for the Corporation of the City of New York.”
Depicts Tammany Society’s East 14th headquarters. Founded in 1789, Tammany Society was a Dem political machine originally meeting in a tavern, which became an oyster saloon.
It then moved to 17th Street until the ’60s when “the organization began to disintegrate.” (Like who knew this began that early.)
What the whole book costs, not sure. Probably less than any New Yorker’s taxes.
Tower of babble
Another rare thing. Newscasters.
All of whom — after hoisting their deep purple, blue-black, one-color dyed heads and reading off a word-for-word pre-printed playbook posted right in front of their eyeballs — all babble the same thing.
Coming up to a sponsor or station break, each looks straight at us then all, everyone, babbles the identical dumb phrase as they hoist their heavy lids: “Stay with us.”
To schlep the budget back on track our current toy president will depart his rocker to propose consolidating government departments.
Like: the Army melding with the Navy. Bureau to be called Surf ’n’ Turf. The EPA to merge with Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms — new name Smog and Grog. CEO is Hunter. Nickname: Hog.
Only in Washington, kids, only in Washington.
