A separation It is one of the most stressful situations a couple can go through, especially if there are children involved, because Separations and divorces are especially traumatic for them. The initial attitude of the parents is essential for their children to adapt as soon as possible to the new reality.
A separation process will have repercussions on the lives of the children of psycho-emotional, academic, social and economic type. Psychoemotional conflicts, in principle the most important, usually arise as a result of feelings of abandonment due to not understanding what is happening, why one of the parents leaves the home, explains the Spanish Association of Pediatrics (AEP).
“There will be feelings of frustration and helplessness for all the routine changes that occur in the daily lives of minors; feelings of culpability if the causes have not been clearly explained to them; feelings of rejection towards parents because they dedicate less time to them,” the pediatricians explain in the help manual We are separating: how to help our children.
Before a divorce or separation child will express his emotional discomfort in different ways: emotional problems, somatizations, behavioral problems, elimination disorders, sleep disorders and even accidents.
calm and love
The symptoms usually vary depending on the age and sex of the child. For example, a divorce has a special impact on the adolescence; girls suffer more problems with anxiety and depression; and boys present more behavioral problems.
“It is important that children perceive that their parents have taken their needs into account and reached stable agreements.”
It is a moment of enormous complexity where we do not know how to act; where we must tread carefully so as not to harm anyone, neither the spouse who is no longer a spouse nor the children. “It is important that parents remain calm, showing love and protection towards their children, and that They perceive that their parents have taken their needs into account reaching stable agreements,” reads the AEP document.
To do
Give clear and concise explanations about the new situation
The worst thing is not understanding what is happening: why dad or mom is leaving home. Uncertainties always create stress. If children do not understand the situation, the risk is that they will have feelings of abandonment. In short, parents must clearly explain what the situation is going to be.
Comply with the visiting regime
If the parent does not habitually comply with the visitation regime that has been assigned to him because guard and custody has been assigned to the other, this will cause feelings of sadness and abandonment in the child, since he will think that he is not important to his father. mother. Therefore, it is important that parents respect the visitation regime. On the contrary, when there is a guard and shared custody regime, there tends to be a more stable relationship with a better emotional bond between the child and parents.
Facilitate visits with the non-custodial parent
If custody is not shared, the parent who has custody should not hinder visits with the parent who does not have custody, the AEP document clarifies. The ideal is that there is flexibility, being able to make specific changes by mutual agreement between them according to the needs or circumstances that may arise.
What not to do
Do not speak ill of others
It hurts every child when another person speaks badly of their mother or father, but even more so if it is one of their parents who speaks badly of the other. If one parent habitually speaks badly of the other, there is a risk of causing the child to refuse to maintain an emotional relationship with that parent (unless there is a justified cause such as abuse). On the contrary, we must try to remember the other’s strong or positive points, and mention them, especially if they have previously been criticized.
Do not discredit the other
The decisions of the other parent should not be criticized in the presence of the children, discrediting them. If there are educational discrepancies, it is essential that parents reach agreements, negotiating them in the absence of their children.